As requested by jackandtheguardians. :)
1. Dear Diary,
Ulquiorra came back from the human world today. Apparently, he didn’t kill A SINGLE DAMN PERSON. Seriously! He looked at that human guy Aizen is interested in, and decided he wasn’t worth the trouble or some bullshit like that. Or maybe he got scared. I’ve always suspected the bat isn’t as tough as he pretends.
Whatever. I’m gonna show that ‘initiative’ that Ichimaru always brings up at his stupid leadership seminars, and I’m gonna go to the world of the living, and I’m gonna kill everyone. And that’s a promise, diary!
2. Dear Diary,
So I didn’t kill anyone. Not my fault though. Got cockblocked by Tosen. I was totally about to kill that Kurosaki guy too. Also all my fracciones are dead.
I’d say more but it’s a little trying to write with ONLY ONE ARM
fucking tosen’s gonna pay. mark my words.
3. Dear Diary,
I GOT FUCKING DEMOTED. I’m sorry, but is it impossible to kill people with only one arm? Do I need two arms to hold my zanpakuto? Do I need two arms to claw people to death? Do I need two arms to do anthing? No!
except maybe hug and I don’t do that. So what the fuck, seriously. This demotion is bullshit.
Also the guy who replaced me is like Ichimaru’s lover or something. so that’s bullshit too
4. Dear diary,
Today Aizen “graciously” allowed me to go to the world of the living despite my one-armed status which apparently makes me some kind of leper. And you know what? I totally rocked that fight!The shinigami that scared Ulquiorra into hightailing it back to Hueco Mundo is such a weak-ass pansy that I had basically no trouble beating him with one arm tied behind my back. Or missing. Whatever.
Oh but Kurosaki can put on a hollow mask apparently. So that’s weird. Not that it saved him ‘cause it broke after like ten seconds. Classic Kurosaki.
Anyway then Ulquiorra showed up and cockblocked me because I guess that’s some kind of recreational activity for my coworkers. Which sucked, but I don’t really care because when I came back my arm was healed and I killed Luppi so now I’m an espada again.
5. Dear Diary,
I love having two arms. Do you know what’s fun? Clapping. Clapping is fun. I spent like 30 minutes clapping. Also double-handed high fives. With myself b/c all my fracciones are dead but still. Having two arms is the shit.
But being an espada means I have to start going to those stupid meetings again. Every cloud has a dark lining I guess.
6. Dear Diary,
KUROSAKI IS COMING TO HUECO MUNDO
We are so finishing our fight. And I am so not getting cockblocked. It’s gonna be perfect. I’m gonna find a spot for us to fight, it’s gonna be isolated and I’m going to make sure he’s in perfect shape and we’re going to fight to the end and it’s gonna be awesome
7. Dear Diary,
So apparently Ulquiorra has been playing with MY prey. Got Kurosaki all beaten up. Like, are there no manners in this world anymore? Do people think that just anyone is allowed to hone in on my territory? And also, if you’re gonna take someone else’s prey, you don’t beat the guy up and then leave him alive. That’s like the worst of everything.
I think I need to go visit that healer woman.
8. Dear Diary,
I am so prepared for today. I have a plan and everything. I’m going to steal the woman so that she can heal Kurosaki. Then I’m gonna lock Ulquiorra in a caja negacion when he comes after me. Then Kurosaki and I are going to go away together and fight. Perfection, your name is me!
THIS IS GONNA BE AWESOME
9. Dear Diary,
when i woke up everyone was dead
kurosaki is gone
what the hell happened
10. Dear Diary,
I spent like three days looking around. Seriously, everyone is dead. Did Kurosaki go on a killing spree? Did reinforcements show up? Why was I left alive? Everything is stupid
11. Dear Diary,
Halibel is still alive. She’s calling herself the queen now. Wish I thought of that. Only I’d be the king I mean.
12. Dear Diary,
Halibel said I couldn’t work for her. Something about me being “unreliable” and “aggressive” and a “dude.” Not that I wanted to work for that bitch. I just went by to say hi you know. Pay my respects. Find out if Aizen is still alive. Or whatever.
13. Dear Diary,
I am so bored. I almost adopted a hollow lizard. I never thought I’d miss those stupid shinigami I was working for.
14. Dear Diary,
GREAT NEWS WE’VE BEEN INVADED
If you need me I’ll be off killing some humans!
15. Dear Diary,
Man those Quincy guys are everywhere. From what I’ve seen they’re rounding up hollows as slave labor. And people are fucking letting this happen. What kind of self-respecting hollow lets himself be some human’s slave?
I just realized i don’t know if Aizen was paying me.
16. Dear Diary,
You’ll never guess who I ran into today. Kurosaki’s little friends! They were about to be killed by these Quincy, until I came along and saved the bitches. They owe me their life.
And somehow that means I’m working for Urahara now.
guy’s really good at talking.
Oh, that’s because Ulquiorra was feeling very lonely and hadn’t gotten laid in a loong time so Ichi was like “Well, I have this friend…” and Grimm agreed to go on a double date with them because he was sick and tired of his roommate singing sad backstreet boys songs in the shower. But anyway, at first Orihime was not really impressed but little by little she has come to like him, while Ulquiorra tries his best to not look so desperate but he fails half of the time. Also, because it’s been a while since he last was with a girl he’s forgotten how this “date” thing works and sometimes he wants to ask Grimm and Ichi for advice but truth is they’re not helpful at all, so he keeps screwing up.
And this is why I should get a life.